codependency
coᐧdeᐧpenᐧdenᐧcy (n)
a psychological condition or a relationship in which a
person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has
an unhealthy attachment to another often controlling or manipulative
person (such as a person with an addiction to alcohol or drugs)
broadly : dependence on the needs of or on control by another
(Miriam Webster Dictionary)
I did it all for love
I did it all
I'd trade it all for you
I'd trade it all
But what do I care for?
What are you here for?
If you're not there when I call?
I was not careful
And that's all your fault
You let me fall
My Mine - Jhene Aiko
I’d like to ask you some questions…
What happened to your ability to say no? Did you ever have it?
Do you ever you put yourself first?
Do you tend to put someone else’s issues above your own?
Do you lose yourself in your relationships?
Do you second guess your decisions?
Was it in your first relationship or your most recent one that you noticed your routine had changed?
How often do you say “yes” to something you truly don’t want to do?
Would you describe your behavior as manipulative?
What is something in your life that is out of control right now, and what’s your plan to solve that?
Do you have trust issues? What is hard about trusting others?
What’s your relationship like with alcohol? Who raised you, and what’s their relationship like with alcohol?
When is the last time you were really anxious? Where did you feel it in your body?
Are you an anxious person in general? Do you have an anxious attachment style?
Are you a people pleaser? Has anyone ever described you as a people pleaser? Do you consider yourself to be a people pleaser?
Do you have trouble when you’re not in a relationship or feel like you always need to be with someone?
How do you define narcissism? Do you have a narcissistic mother? A narcissistic father? A narcissistic boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner?
Some of the above questions may help define codependency. Codependency isn’t easy to define, but I see it as the tendency to place others’ needs above your own - lighting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. It is a decreased ability to prioritize your needs and/or well-being in any given relationship. For this reason, codependent relationships can be dangerous and/or toxic.
Living out these questions is painful (I promise I didn’t mean to drag you). So many people live these questions (and more!) out daily. Codependency affects people in lots of different ways.
Being codependent impacts people in their romantic relationships, friendships, relationships with their parents, siblings, and family members, relationships with coworkers, and their relationships with self. Codependency affects all relationships, regardless of the use of substances.
As a kid, you may have been the helper, whether you are the oldest daughter or the only child. Or you stayed quiet to avoid the stress of your family and family conflict. Now, you find yourself having a difficult relationship with your parents or siblings, avoiding conversations about religion, politics, or sexuality because you know it will result in a blow up.
Perhaps you feel like you have to fix the problems of everyone around you, and are overly-invested in the stresses of others. You’ve taken an online quiz, or learned about attachment styles on TikTok or Instagram and felt uncomfortably relieved that you have an anxious attachment style. Now what do you do?
What you may feel if you’re codependent 💔: guilty, worried, distrustful (of self and/or others), uncomfortable with compliments or praise, overcommitted, attracted to needy people, needy
What you may think if you are codependent 💭: “Things have to go the exact way I planned them.” “It’s important for me to feel needed.” “I took that personally.”
What you may do and how you might act if you are codependent ✔: struggle with boundaries, have difficulty making decisions, self sabotage, behave passive-aggressively, take care of others, try and control others, threaten
