You’re struggling to understand how to better connect with your partner, and physical intimacy has gone from fleeting to nonexistent. There’s a discrepancy between the type and frequency of sex you want and what your partner wants, which doesn’t help. So communication has suffered lately, and your arguments have turned things sour. 

You may have fantasies that you are nervous about disclosing because of fear of judgment, so you have difficulty communicating them. Perhaps this comes from shame. “Good girls”, “nice guys”, and “church girls” aren’t into those types of things, right? A certain baggage comes alongside being raised in a culture that shames open sexuality. To be promiscuous or fast means you’re irresponsible and careless. But to have limited sexual experiences makes you a prude. It’s a lose-lose situation. 

If you have an anxious attachment style, or experience codependent habits, you may often find yourself connecting with more avoidant partners. So your pleasure is often secondary to theirs. Or, boundaries are difficult to enforce. For example, you may find yourself worried about asking a new partner about using a condom. What if you’re rejected, or coaxed not to? Will you feel guilty or ashamed during or after? Then how will sex be enjoyable? You get in your head during sex already, and these thoughts add to your anxiety. Sex has felt transactional for some time now, also minimizing your enjoyment. And, if you’ve ever experienced an STI, you may experience shame for that diagnosis.

Whether you are partnered or single, understanding your body, your sexual needs, and your desires is complicated. Sex education here in the United States is abysmal, and there’s a lot we don’t know because we weren’t taught. Yet, we’re expected to know how to “perform” in the bedroom and meet our partner’s expectations. It’s one of those taboo topics we rarely talk about, but are expected to be pros at. The J. Cole lyrics above are a reflection of that. Though the song was written from the perspective of a teenager, we as adults may have our own feelings of apprehension about sex that begin in our youth.

Sexuality is an integral part of our lives and relationships. Yet, so many of us struggle in the bedroom. 30% of all penis-owners will experience erectile dysfunction at some point in their lives. Three in four vulva-owners will experience painful sex over the course of a lifetime. There are a number of reasons these statistics are true, with other aspects of mental and physical health, trauma, and stress playing a role. 

Simply put, you are not alone. Plenty of folks experience sexual shame as a result of miseducation, miscommunication, trauma, and/or low confidence. There’s hope.

At Honey Bee Therapy, I specialize in:

• Sexual shame and anxiety

• Desire discrepancy between partners

• Low libido (including as a result from medication)

• Sexual health education

• Communication challenges 

• Intimacy and connection building

• Performance anxiety

• Unwanted/unplanned pregnancy

• Pre- and post-abortion care (no matter how long ago)

• Sexual harassment

• Recovery from sexual trauma (no matter how long ago)

• STI diagnoses

• Sexuality exploration

• Dating culture for Millennials and Gen Z

Note: Current member of the American Association of Sexuality Counselors, Educators and Therapists (AASECT).