Harlem on Amazon Prime: Camille, Ian, and Urge Surfing
The cast of Harlem on Amazon Prime: Grace Byers, Meagan Good, Shoniqua Shandai and Jerrie Johnson.
Last Saturday while enjoying a beautiful afternoon of no to-do’s, I caught up on the final season of one of my favorite series in the past decade, Harlem. Harlem follows four friends living in New York City as they navigate love, sex, friendship, dating, family, and their careers.
I love Harlem for its fashions, music, and Blackness. It pays beautiful homage to iconic Black celebrities like Jasmine Guy, Joie Lee, Bevy Smith, Rachel True, and Whoopi Goldberg, while introducing fresh faces such as Richmond native Shoniqua Shandai. To put it simply, I’m mildly obsessed with this show and am so sad it has ended. But, happy to add it to my list of comfort shows alongside Living Single, Abbott Elementary, and Golden Girls (lots of strong female leads, huh?)
One scene in the first episode of season three caused me to roll my eyes, cringe, and audibly groan at Camille - “GIRL!”
In the scene, Camille (played by one of my favorite video vixens Meagan Good), Quinn (played by Grace Byers) and Tye (played by Jerrie Johnson) are out for beers and food when Camille notices her ex, Ian (Miracle Watts’ boo Tyler Lepley) across the bar. When she calls out to him, he ignores her, and then boom - in walks a woman who greets Ian with a hug. Camille waves away her friends’ concerns that he is with a new love interest, as she recognizes the woman as an old friend.
But then, they kiss.
Mind you, this is the ex she’s been sleeping with without a label, title, and alleged attachment for the past few months, but has recently ghosted her. And now she sees why.
Yeah…😬
Right…😫
Needless to say, things got wild.
Camille is flabbergasted, and looks truly hurt for a moment while Tye and Quinn speculate - how and when did Tye and Porsha hook up? Then, Camille goes on to exhibit prime protest behaviors (more on these soon). She fires off a string of texts, dropping a lot of f-bombs, and letting him have it.
Quinn, attempting to calm down her friend, encourages Camille to count to five before pressing “send.” Does Camille listen? Of course not. She sends the message and *instantly* regrets it.
Been there?
Camille’s cries for attention sending the text were an expression of feeling ignored, both in the moment and over the past few weeks, as Ian has actively disengaged from her. I mean, he responded to a nude picture she sent him with a thumbs up emoji (🫢).
In her quest to regain closeness to Ian upon seeing him in person, she panicked and acted out. And then felt like a fool right after doing so.
How could this all have been prevented?
By listening to Quinn, and taking a beat before sending the text. Camille could have tried urge surfing.
Therapist Aid 2021 - Urge Surfing Graphic
Urge surfing is a technique or coping strategy that was developed in 1985 by psychologists G. Alan Marlatt and Judith R. Gordon designed to help folks struggling with addiction. It is a mindfulness practice that encourages us to ride out our cravings.
Sometimes, even with the best of intentions to avoid a habit or behavior, (for example: “I’m staying off of social media this month, I won’t eat/drink that, I’m not texting them anymore, I’m on a no-spend challenge for the next six months, etc.) we’re overcome with the desire to give into that habit or behavior (well, I’ll only scroll while I’m on the train to work, drunk texting doesn’t count, but it’s on sale, etc.)
When we give in to that behavior, it is reinforced to us that the only way to relieve that stress we feel is to give into that desire.
Urge surfing gives us an alternative.
With urge surfing, we visualize urges as waves in the ocean. They rise, they peak, and they ultimately fall.
This occurs in four steps:
Trigger - a craving or urge is triggered
Rise - the craving or urge becomes stronger
Peak - the craving or urge reaches its highest point
Fall - the craving or urge subsides and fades away
What happened to Camille? She was triggered seeing Ian, her feelings of anger, embarrassment, sadness, and mortification rose as she saw him kiss Porsha, and she hit her peak, firing off texts to him.
What could she have done instead?
With mindfulness based coping strategies such as urge surfing, we are encouraged to notice difficult moments as they arise because they are normal, natural, and occur regularly for all of us. Rather than giving into them, notice them. Gently observe the feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations that come alongside the urge.
Camille could have paused, noticed her heart beating faster, the aforementioned feelings arise, her body tightening up at what she saw. Then, she could have taken a deep breath, put her phone down, and told her friends exactly what was happening with her at that moment.
The Urge Surfing Meditation was developed at the University of Washington’s Addictive Behavior Resource Center. Here is a summary of how to practice the meditation:
Take a deep breath
Stay with the feelings that are present - recognize the feelings alone cannot harm you
Find a comfortable position - sitting, standing, or lying down. Let your body relax. Check in with any physical, mental, or emotional discomfort.
Don’t try to control the craving, urge or feeling. Notice if it is increasing or decreasing in intensity. See it as a wave that rises and falls naturally.
Get curious about the experience. What does this feel like in your body? Mind? Heart? What is it you’re actually needing or craving at this moment?
Remember to be kind and gentle to yourself throughout this process.
Now, could Camille have done all of these steps at that moment? Not realistically. But, this meditation does provide a framework for how to more easily recognize triggers and respond in healthier, more aligned ways.
If you’ve been in Camille’s shoes before, I cannot stress enough that you are not alone. No matter where you are in your healing journey, mindfulness tools like urge surfing offer a powerful, accessible way to come back to yourself—moment by moment.
When practiced consistently, even the simplest mindfulness technique like a deep breath can create a meaningful shift: calming your nervous system, clarifying your thoughts, and reconnecting you with what really matters.
If you're feeling confused, depleted, or rejected, mindfulness is a place to begin showing up for you. Small steps create real change. You don’t have to figure it all out alone.
Heal your stuff, transform your life. If you’re tired of always being on and showing up for everyone but yourself, let’s do this work.
If you’re ready to explore how therapy can support your emotional healing, reduce stress, and reconnect you with your sense of self, I invite you to book a free consultation today. We’ll talk about what’s going on with you, what support could look like, and how we can move forward together.
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Let’s begin the work of healing—gently, intentionally, and in your own time.
